These two steps go together and speak to making amends to others in our lives that may have suffered because of our behavior when using- alcohol in this case. I will discuss them both together after Step 9

Step 8. Made a list of all persons we had harmed, and became willing to make amends to them all.

HS: Back to the pen and yellow legal pad: I made a list of all the people I’d hurt or offended over the years, whether directly because of drinking- and using-related behavior or otherwise, and listed the particulars of each case. I “became willing,” again, by just praying and thinking about making amends to these people.

AS: Identifying problematic behavior would be among the first things a client and therapist would discuss in CBT. This would include identifying damaged relationships. Volition is a necessity when it comes to therapy, as success will be limited if the client is unwilling.

Step 9. Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.

HS: With my sponsor I went through the list I’d made in Step Eight, and started getting in touch with a handful of people at a time, telling them I wanted to meet up and talk to them about something. The first one I did was an old boss of mine. I met him at a coffee shop and laid out how my behavior had been lacking, and asked if there was anything I could do to make it right. He said that wasn’t necessary, and everything went fine. Other amends I made followed roughly the same script. I felt good when I finished each one, like I had straightened up something in my past that had gotten out of whack.

AS: CBT focuses on curbing problematic behavior in future situations, but that doesn’t mean there’s no room for addressing past consequences. In fact, doing so can bring validation and support of a client’s new, rational way of thinking. An addict doing the 12 Steps, like a client in CBT, might imagine that trying to make amends would result in hateful words or drama, but instead it is usually a validating and liberating experience. 

ME: AS doesn’t really address this per se, although what he does say is correct and does validate the new way of thinking. So that’s good. And yes telling those we negatively impacted might be liberating – but might not and one never knows.

 It’s hard to argue that regretting our former behavior and things we said or did with others during our period of substance abuse is not a good thing. We need to be a bit careful with this however because to harbor a lot of guilt about it, that can be harmful. And worse, if it turns to shame that can be a very great burden that impedes successful recovery. It might be better to walk away from this, not forgetting it, but considering it the past and done and something you can’t do anything about and move on.

The idea of telling others about it gets mixed reviews from me. If you decide to do that, and if it is in the way of apology or expressions of regret and remorse that you have done hurtful things you said or worse, then that seems ok.

If it’s done with the expectation of forgiveness, then it’s wise not to do it. They may not forgive you.

Further this might just call up previous memories and emotions that are just as well left alone. There is no way to know this in spite of the caution in Step 9. In addition you might get a barrage of negative responses that might send you down a guilt and shame trip that could become dangerous thereby triggering a relapse.

Personally I apologized to my wife and children, and at the same time thanked them profusely for standing with me and supporting me through it all. The rest of the people in my life I just let it lie- often telling them I quit and that was all.

In our addicted lives we lose a lot of the trust from those close to us. Just telling them things like that you are now abstinent etc., does little to rebuild trust. What does the rebuilding is consistent positive observable results. And you might earn it back and you might not. Hopefully that’s not the main reason motivating you to make a change for yourself for the better.

Part 4 soon to follow will conclude the series with the final 3 and not related steps. 

Step 10. Continued to take personal inventory, and when we were wrong, promptly admitted it.

Step 11. Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God as we understood Him, praying only for knowledge of His will for us and the power to carry that out. 

Step 12. Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to alcoholics, and to practice these principles in all our affairs.

See you soon, YOur science guy